A ceaseless struggle.
An ideal purgatory...
Growth and Decay...
On the side of Death,
A splintered wooden shaft
fraternizes with withered, old grass.
A rusty wire decides to join the fray.
Acting as their flagbearer
A well-beaten path stands guard,
daring someone to trod upon it.
A gravelly surface punishing all that do.
Farmhouses in the distance
try to remain neutral.
Being inhabited only be silence,
they crumble to bits.
A forest of toothpicks separates the factions.
It stands as the line.
For the glory of Life!
Green and Yellow
colors abound!
Trees stand at attention
at the crest of Life's army,
a large hill.
The great, dull mountains serve as general,
bolstering Life's defense.
What are they warring about?
A fledgling forest,
shiny and new.
Either's prize.
This is a poem where the main objective was imagery.... I hate imagery with an unholy passion........ You know the drill, honest criticism.
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A great poem! Rhythm is good, you made good use of metaphors, I can truthfully say that there is almost nothing wrong with it. Keep up the good work!
IZUMIN
2007-10-11 15:10:00
cool! I like it. Really good! ^_^ ("daring someone to trod upon it" should be "daring someone to tread upon it"... I think)
FORTHECRAIC
2007-09-01 04:08:55
It's a bit confusing at times, and yes, the rhythem's sort of off, but I liked how you contrasted Life and Death.
MXSKAI
2007-08-23 22:39:14
yep, do i ever!!! oy who was the one who said "serious drama not for me"? not ur words exact,. lol. hmmmmm...... the rhyming and poetry are a bit awkword, yeah, uneven, loosen up on the similies and analogys, but very good
GINKAZERYUU
2007-08-23 20:09:18
Way over my head, but I am reading it as a friend so, it rocks
WINGEDOBLIVION987
2007-08-23 19:43:28
And you say you're bad at this kind of thing! I actually don't have any criticism this time (I know you're bummed). I didn't see anything wrong with it. It's not a poem, so I don't think you really need to do anything with the rhythm. And I thought the metaphors worked well. I suppose it's a matter of personal preference or opinion. It reminded me a bit of Anne of Green Gables (such a girly reference!) because the main character would think of these kind of short imagery passages of the top of her head. Well, there's my 2 cents & a bit more....
AIRICHAN
2007-08-23 09:22:09
I liked the ending. (^_^) The imagery wasn't too bad, although I found some of the metaphors a bit forced. The rhythm was uneven, so you might want to work on that too. Overall, not my favorite, but not too bad.
CALAMARI
2007-08-22 22:27:51