I spent countless hours thinking and today I'm not even happy with my own thoughts...why am I know happy with my thinking you may ask this is why. I try and I try to help when I can try to be a "good guy" in terms of speaking, only because I like to help but why every time I have a positive thinking on whats I think I do right it comes out wrong? it comes out me being the loser? when I try to make my counter part happy...is it the fact that nobody likes the "good guy"? when it comes down to it nobody does especially when it comes to women they may say that want this and that but do they really? I learn that it can be the hard to find out what they really want. Hell half of women don't know themself (not being sexes) but I been told lies after lies making me believe that I was doing the right thing when thats what they did not want.

So what can a "good guy" do? when only he wants to help or just want to make somebody happy...how can you truly find out if that person is happy or not without them telling you? I'm really asking too many questions...I can't get the fact that I think I did everything right when it was all so wrong. maybe I should have been a asshole from the start of being on Tokyopop.

and the fact that I can't stop thinking that I lost so much yeah it still hurts but its the past right? suppose to move on and look ahead and I am but my mind always think of the past like a bad anime show/ manga. lots of people tell me that you don't need to find love for somebody to make you happy I think otherwise...I really think my happiness would come from finding love what more can I say? I can only say it made me happy to be in love....whatever though I just felt like typing down what I was thinking to night because my thinking is my friend and some times my enemy.