*Sigh* Well... I dumped my girlfriend, I guess. Wow. It doesn't feel so great. So I drew about a bazillion pictures. God d*mn me.

How come I have to be such a freakin' machine? Why? Why can't I be unable to draw because I don't feel like it?!? Why do I draw so great when it's so inappropriate? Shouldn't I be hopelessly moping and being depressed because I don't know any better? Why is this machine still moving? Why doesn't it stop? Why doesn't it take a break? Why do I have to tell it to take a break? It can't stop working. This stupid right hand never stops moving. It never stops anything. I'm just a robot. Like a machine with no feelings, I continue to work while my girlfriend cries because I dumped her. I keep going. I just keep going like I can't stop for anything.

This experience has left little but a small crack in the machine. Something easily fixable. Is Time of no need? I continue to listen to speedcore like a technologically-energated machine. Constantly drawing pictures, spriting, programming, and on and on... Is drawing a sort of drug I take to relieve myself? I become so immersed in my work that I forget emotion altogether? AM I STONED OFF OF LABOR?!? IS THAT MY FUEL?!? WHAT DOES GOD WANT?!? WHAT DO I WANT?!?

Do I want to be the best, or something? No matter what people tell me?

"Tony, are you trying to draw? Keyword, "Drawing"?", "Tony, your beatboxing is annoying and awful." "THAT WAS HORRIBLE." "GOD DANG IT, TONY! STOP IT, ALREADY! YOU SUCK, OKAY?!? YOU SUCK!"

WHY!?! WHY DON'T I LISTEN?!? THESE PEOPLE TELL ME I'M NOT GOOD! SOME OF IT IS MY OWN FAMILY!

... Is that why I dumped her? Did I want to give pain to someone else? Did I want the pain to go away? Is she my 'punching bag'? What kind of a person am I? I made up some excuse. "Oh, well... We weren't really contacting each other much..." Bullshit. I could've called her more all along. I could've taken a break. I could've just told myself to stop and go call her. I was being just a little wuss all along. I thought that because she didn't take it awfully at first, it didn't hurt her. Something wrong was going on in my head to make me think that what just happened went "well", or something? AM I A FREAKING IDIOT!?! NO! IT'S NOT OKAY! I just dumped someone I loved. I pushed another person away. AGAIN. She can't take me back, now. Now that she's my 'punching bag'. Is this what I'm going to do to all of my girlfriends? Just relieve my sadness on them like a little conductor of pain? Do I deserve her now? How can I just walk away like that without even caring? DO I CARE?

... Whatever. I don't think I'll really go for relationships considering I can't ever manage one. Even a girlfriend who understands personal space. I used to deserve her...

Psh. Not anymore.