I guess this is "Rebirthing #4" or something for me. I can't remember. XD

Anyways, this blog is something I've looked forward to all day (or at least for a few hours). I finally found what was wrong with my life, why it felt like life was a blur and why I was always scared and nervous. I was holding it all in again. I was appeasing two sides of the wrong coin. I know I've told myself time and time again that I wasn't going to appease anymore, but now I see I've been lying to myself. I've been doing it for so long and I got so used to it that I didn't even see what I was doing.

But now I see what was holding me back. I was suffering for nothing I did wrong. It was because I was friends with two people who just couldn't get along. That was my crime apparently. And now, I'm dropping that status. Friends don't leave you just because you're friends with someone they don't like. If that's what my friendship was becoming, then I was certainly going to suffer.

I also figured that I was becoming a bad Buddhist. Buddhism mantras always say that life is suffering. You must recognize your suffering, find a way to get rid of it, then get closer to enlightenment. Because of all the suffering I was coming under, I couldn't see past it. Now that the curtain has been lifted, I'm not suffering anymore. My karma was negative because I was negative. Now the karma is good and I finally feel everything coming into place. I had been so self-conscious up until now that I had always thought I was ugly. The moment I dropped my suffering, I saw myself in a whole new light.

So where does this all come to fruition? Everything from here on out I suppose. I'm fixing all the broken parts that had created themselves inside of me. I'm not being D.J. the Appeaser, being mentally weak and always scared of the future. I'm looking forward to my future now, finally.

-D.J.