1.      Hatsukoi, Hajimete no Kanojo
~ My First Love, My First Girlfriend ~
Once in a while, I wonder if I shouldn't write stories about love. Of course, there is lovemaking, countless times.
My first love was when I was in kindergarten. I was about 6 years old….
She was my kindergarten teacher. She was half Japanese and really pretty, and had a great sense of style. When this teacher was around, for some reason I was really happy.
It was probably just puppy love. However, to me, it was a very important emotion.
Of course, when I was 6 years old, I didn't really understand what the word "love" meant. But isn't it a very important word?
When we got out of class in kindergarten and all the other students had gone home, I would stay there at kindergarten by myself. I would be there just a little longer with that teacher. By her side, I watched her figure for just a little longer.
Once, a young man came to pick up my teacher. When she saw that man, my teacher's face instantly lit up. It was completely different from the face she had when she was with me, and it was the first time I'd seen her smile.
My teacher said to me mischievously:
"This is a secret, ok?"
Covering her lips with a finger, she seemed a little embarrassed. Then she and her boyfriend started walking through the door. Their steps were lively.
I was terribly mortified.
I understood that I was still just a child. I also knew that she could never become my girlfriend. It was very mortifying, I suppose. It was the first time that I ever thought about wanting to hurry and grow up.
The first time I had someone I could call a "girlfriend" was when I was 10. Because she was about 13 or 14, there was a 3 to 4 year age gap. She was a girl who lived near me.
Because at that time I was around 160 cm tall, I was the tallest person in my class, and I think that I looked like an adult.
Our relationship wasn't an easy one. It rather ebbed and flowed, I think. Though we went on dates, they were things like taking a walk around the neighborhood or wandering around a dry riverbed. Because she had a dog, she would bring the dog along with her. Just that gave the dates a light feel to them. It was because I was just 10 years old.
However, my first kiss wasn't with this girl. It was when I was 6 years old. It made me grow up a little bit.
One of my father's friends came to the house to visit. He brought along a little girl. She was also 6 years old.
I think it was when the two of us were playing hide-and-seek down in the basement. My memories are very vague, but there were some drum bins rolled beside a rock in the garden. I am pretty sure they were drum bins.
I hid in them, and she found me there…no, probably she was the one who hid in them, and it was I who found her.
We were both very hyper. When I entered the drum, why did it make my heart start pounding? In the small, cramped space, secretly, I was incredibly smitten by her.
While playing, we both decided to try and crawl into the drum. It was dark and smelled faintly of metal. Beyond the mouth of the round drum, we could see the sunlight.
If I turned around, our bodies fit into the drum exactly, and she was right there. Her breathing was echoing. The air around us was very humid.
Somehow the burning feeling in my heart came boiling over, and I put my face close to hers, and gave her a little kiss "chu". Of course it was on the lips.
It was a gentle sensation, and it was the first time I'd ever felt such a strange emotion. She responded with the same feeling. So I kept on kissing her.
They were light kisses, but my heart was beating wildly. [lit: dokidoki] . It was an amazing first time.
Of course, I wanted to see her again, but after that time, I never saw her. However, I can't forget her.
I wondered why she never came over to play anymore.
Her father also never came over anymore. I was very concerned about this.
When I was a sophomore in high school, I asked my father.
"Who was the guy who came to our house a long time ago and brought his daughter?"
Seeming annoyed, my father answered:
"I had an argument with him, so we don't see each other anymore."
It sounded like he never wanted to see that guy again. I thought I'd ask him that.
"No, you can't see her again," he said.
I've also kissed guys. Of course, it wasn't serious.
A kiss is a mark of trust.
The first time that I was ever kissed by a guy was when I was 19. We were drinking and were about to go home.
"Ja…chu," he said lightly, and gave me a spontaneous kiss. I was very happy.
From then on, whenever I want to give proof of trust to another guy, I kiss them. I also kiss my band members at lives.
A kiss is the same as shaking hands or hugging.
It is my way of expressing my feelings of "I trust you."
When women cry? I kiss them then too.
When I was excessively rash in my car and had an accident, while standing in front of my smashed up car and having a cigarette, I got a call from my girlfriend. On the other side of the line, she cried and yelled at me.
"What are you doing?"
I will tell that story the next time.
 
2. Onyx no Shinpi
~ The Mystery of Onyx ~
Today, I shall talk about fashion.
I don't really follow the fashions. I know inside myself exactly what kind of clothes I want to wear and what I don't want to wear.
This is how I began to choose to wear Western fashions.
When I was 5 or 6, the pajamas that my mother made me wear were somehow from top to bottom like skirts. They were, so to speak, negligees.
My younger brother wore the same thing. The two of us had a set. They were blended pink and red colors.
I thought myself that they were rather strange, and myself and my brother both, at that age, looked like little girls.
My brother's face was more defined than mine and his eyes were big and round; he was really a cute little boy. But at any rate, I wondered why my mother would make boys wear things like skirts.
"Because it's cute," my mother said, smiling happily, and when we were that age, she didn't care if we were boys or girls.
Anyway, that was no good. For example, when we went into a store, the boss would say, "Your eyebrows are so thick, it makes you look like a boy, so you should pluck them," or "Because you're punkish, you should get a mohawk" and make us do those things. It was something that I hated.
Because of that, whenever my mother went shopping for clothes, of course I would go with her and pick out my own. I would say exactly what I liked and didn't like, and I didn't trust my mother to do it for me.
In middle school and in high school, we had uniforms, all characteristic of a particular school.
The top piece could be either long, medium, or short, or even very short. The very short ones only had two buttons. The troublemakers in my class would mix the short and the long parts of the uniform and change the length when they felt like it.
We also had a fair number of pairs of pants. There were so many it was almost ridiculous. Bonsuri, Bontan, Banana, Dokan….
"Dokan" pants were fat from top to bottom. The waist was 120 cm, and the hem was 100 cm.
If you put your hands in your pockets and pulled them out, your waist would expand to about 2 meters. It wasn't because we altered the pants; they were sold like that.
There were also uniforms we inherited from senpai. There was a lot of meaning attached to them.
Of course, none of them were new, but even so, because we really liked the senpai who gave them to us, when we got these uniforms we were very happy and didn't ruin them by wearing them, but decorated our rooms with them instead.
Clothes for delinquents. At the same time, there was such a meaning to certain clothes.
Now it's different. I can wear whatever I want to. Frankly, does it even matter what someone wants to wear? "I'll wear the clothes that suit me…" is what people should say.
For the time being, the thing to keep in mind is to wear what looks good.
For example, if you wear loose clothes, you won't realize when your body shape changes. So don't cheat your waist size.
Though my waist size is 70-71 cm, I wear pants with a 72-73 cm waist size. If I got heavier, then I wouldn't be able to wear those pants. If I started eating too much, they would get tight. There definitely isn't room to do that.
The shirts that I wear also are sensible for if my body shape changes.
The limits of this job are that when your body shape gets worse, wearing unsuitable clothes makes you less of a pro.
In this case, the stylists can be blamed for not taking into account people who are heavier. Because of this, people then become obsessed with getting into shape.
Sunglasses are already part of my body. My eyes are strangely weak towards the light. When the light level is bright, everything becomes white and I can't see anything.
In order to protect my eyes, I try to wear sunglasses. I have over a hundred pairs, but the important thing is to wear what fits my mood. If I have to wear them for a long time, I will pick a pair that doesn't make me tired.
As far as accessories go, most of mine were given to me by people. Conversely, all the ones I bought, I gave away.
Fundamentally, I don't like things with stones. I don't wear diamonds or things like that.
There is power in stones, and I understand the effect that stones have on the body. They change your physical condition and also your mood. Accessories originally had this meaning. Now, I don't frequently change the accessories that I ordinarily wear. If I do that, my body will become tired.
The only stones I will wear are onyx and obsidian. However, more than just being accessories, they are protective charms.
There is a reason why I wear onyx.
When I was about 10 years old, a girl who I knew went overseas to study. At that time, I happened to be wearing an onyx ring. I gave it to her for her protection.
Before she went overseas, she was riding in a taxi and had a bad accident. The driver and her friend who was with her in the taxi both suffered heavy injuries. However, she wasn't even scratched. The only thing that happened was that the onyx ring had disappeared. No matter how hard she searched, she couldn't find it at all.
The original purpose of onyx was to help people dodge evil spirits and troubles. The onyx protected her.
From then on, it became a custom for me to give onyx rings to people who were important to me.
There is a bead shop in Kyoto where I go often, and I go there directly to have onyx beads made for me. Then, the members of my family who wear them will definitely have protection.
The onyx beads are also proof that people who wear them are my companions.


3. Kuruma to Jousei no Soukan Kankei
~ The Correlation between Women and Cars ~
Next are cars. If you were to describe in one word the car that I drive now, it would be "spaceship."
The first time Hyde (L'Arc~en~Ciel) rode in my car, the first thing he said was: "What is this?"
I said, "A car," and he said "Gacchan, you're an alien."
Certainly, you can't find another car like this anywhere. If you take my feelings on it seriously, I even think that it might fly.
Though it's a spaceship, the interior is not metallic, but rather has a "Hermes" feeling. It's not gorgeous, it's "Hermes."
I think the interior goes ten years ahead. After all, I change it every 8 months or so.
To me, my car is a moving office – no, a moving living space. I have been very thorough in picking it out.
Talking about car models, these past few years I've been driving an American car. It's the 4th or 5th one out of the cars I have [#1, see note at bottom]. It's red. I've had a white one and a blue one, but my basic color is red.
If you ask me why an American car, I say that only the new rich who flaunt their money buy Mercedes Benzes, and Ferraris make you look like a famous personality who has sold out.
Originally, the Ferrari was my favorite car. However, if successful people sell out, they have a tendency to buy Ferraris. So then, I started really hating them.
A Ferrari is really hard to ride in – it's difficult to drive. So only within the group of people who have sold out and bought a Ferrari, there are people with horrible driving skills.
When I came to Tokyo, I really felt that way. So, all the people driving Ferraris began to look very uncool. To people who truly love Ferraris, that's inexcusable.
With all of that, all things considered, I felt in my heart that an American car suited me. Not a German car, not an Italian car, but an American car.
I feel that my standards for choosing a car and my standards for choosing a girl are very similar. The kind of car that I like and the kind of girl that I like are very close, I think.
Selfish, bold and saucy, but sexy with a great body. A girl like that. Sometimes when I'm feeling sad, I don't want to talk to her. However, if I'm feeling gentle, I want her to return my feelings. That's the feeling that American cars have.
Japanese cars are no fun. They're always good girls.
Girls don't ride in my passenger seat very often. I can say that my car gives off a girlish feeling by itself, so to speak. If I'm giving a girl a ride, I feel like my car gets in a really bad mood. Probably because it's a moody car, it gets more guys than girls riding in its passenger seat.
In my car, there's the romance I look for. To put it in other words, my car is that important to me.
However, most girls don't understand that. So I don't want them riding next to me.
When they see my car, they say to me lightly, "Oh, how pretty!"
"They say it's pretty so easily," I think to myself.
I wish they wouldn't treat my car in such a careless way.
And then, they usually slam the door with a bang! If they do that, privately I swear in my heart, "She's never getting another ride in my car!"
I want them to treat my car like it's important. It's very important to me. When I shut it off quietly with a click, it always gets a thank you from me.
My father liked high-class cars too. When I was a child, if I slammed the car door, he would make me shut it over and over. Because of this influence, I am sensitive to how people close the car door.
I can tell what kind of personality a person has from the way he or she closes the car door.
For example, let's say I'm taking a girl back to her house in my car.
The girl closes the door gently with a click. When she gets out of the car, she says something outside the window. I open the window, and she says "Take care," and waves with a smile.
While thinking, "wow, she's great," I start the car and leave. I make a U-turn and try to return back around to the front of her house, and she is still there waving.
"I want to take her home again…." I think honestly.
However, there are surprisingly very few girls like her. Ordinary girls go, "Bye, take care, thanks!" and as soon as they wave from the car, they slam the door with a hard bang, and then briskly walk away.
I can't forgive that kind of attitude. While she's grasping the door handle, these dark words flit through my mind.
"I'm going to run her down!"
Though it's probably because she doesn't know anything about cars and driving, if a girl doesn't know how to put on her seatbelt and noisily keeps pulling on it, she honestly seems very plain. There have been girls that I've taken around who have no idea where to buckle their seatbelt.
Though it's all right to ask me, they don't ask. There have also been girls who took their own seatbelt and buckled it to my seatbelt on the driver's side.
What makes me the most angry is girls who lean forward in the right passenger seat and look out at the right side of the road when I go around a turn. I really don't understand why they do such an unnecessary thing, but they do it a lot.
"Your head's in the way. Don't look around like that," I want to shout in spite of myself.
That really makes me angry. Am I not trusted by you? I feel like saying.
With a passenger in the car, a partnership is necessary. I don't feel like the other person is being given a ride, but rather we are both riding together. Trusting in my driving and not being a hindrance are the main principles. To ride in the passenger seat, you need to be prepared to do it.
If I take a girl out in my car, I always see a part of the girl that I don't like.
Since this is the case, I rarely take girls out for a drive.


4. Josei e no Dai Ichi Jouken wa Hanashikata
~ The First Thing I Notice About a Girl is Her Way of Speaking ~
"What type of girl do you like?"
When I'm asked this, the first thing I recall is her voice, and then her way of talking.
When I meet a girl, there are two places that I pay special attention to first off. On the upper body, I look to see if her face is the type that I like, and then I move to the line of her body, in that order.
When I close my eyes, I can still hear her voice. Even if we don't come into contact again, the best impression I have of her is her voice.
Following that, I listen to the girl's way of speaking along with her voice. If you talk about it in terms of music, the topics that she speaks about are the lyrics, her way of speaking is the rhythm and the melody, and her voice is the instrument that performs all of these.
In the long run, the fact that a girl's voice is pretty isn't the only important thing.
If a girl's voice and way of talking give me a good impression, then I will think "Ah, this girl is really great."
Even if a girl's face is pretty, there are times when hearing her voice is a big letdown and I just feel as if I am being pushed away.
I probably have a "speech fetish."
Words that I can't accept psychologically are "I'm hungry" spoken in masculine speech. If a girl says things of that kind, it's not acceptable [lit: dame]. It's just like as if she had said "I'm going to pick my nose with my pen." I get really annoyed.
Japan is one of the few countries in the world that differentiates between masculine speech and feminine speech.
Thinking that Japanese girls are cool means that you should include that background and history, and it is something unshakeable that girls must always protect.
Because of this, I prefer girls who learn the feminine way of speaking.
In spite of the fact that there are words that are that important, there are girls who speak not caring if they sound masculine or feminine, and that really disappoints me.
The really important thing that makes a woman speak like a woman doesn't have anything to do with culture, but this point is ignored.
Though women have the strongest weapons to allow them to express themselves, they don't use them.
The pivotal point is that it's as if they've renounced being female…
That's what it seems like to me. I really really hate that. That's the worst. Because of that, their way of speaking is extremely noisy to me.
For example, ten women gather at one place with their boyfriends to have a good time. Without fail, the first one to leave and go home is always me.
The other guys aren't bothered by this, but I can't stand it.
"Chou bikkuriii~!" [That's so surprising~!]
"Te iu ka~ Terebi to chou issho~" [Oh yeah? With the TV~" note: not quite sure how to translate this]
"Kore tte, chou oishikunaa~?" [Isn't this delicious?"]
Stretching out their inflection or inflecting their voices really high, the word "chou" flutters about. When I'm in that kind of environment, I feel very ill at ease.
Of course, that word is also a part of their culture. However, to me, that part of the culture has never been pleasant.
"Kawannai te yuu ka~" [You say you haven't changed, huh?"]
That is no good. Truly, a girl that talks like that hasn't learned to speak.
Now, I myself had a horrible way of speaking in the past.
When I spoke Kansai-ben, my way of speaking was very rough. Even now, when I get angry, I sometimes lapse into Kansai-ben. But speaking like that is really no good. Mostly, those words are just too dirty…
My parents probably had an effect on me too. The way my parents spoke was very strictly.
When I was a child, I had to move often because of my father's job, and we lived in many different cities. Okinawa, Yamaguchi, Fukuoka, Shiga, Osaka, Kyoto…Wherever we went, because my parents spoke standard Japanese, that's what I spoke at home. Even when we lived in Kyoto, I spoke that. The only place I used Kansai-ben was when I wasn't at home.
I think that while speaking different dialects outside the home, I have felt this since I was a small child.
The impression that I gave my friends came from my speech.
With just one word, you can give someone the impression that you are stupid, or you can also make them think "What is up with this guy?" You can also have to opportunity to make people think "This boy is going to make something of himself when he grows up." A person's way of speaking is packed with important indications.
When I write lyrics, being concerned about the beauty of the Japanese language, my consciousness of beauty confronting my way of speaking and the words that I choose is something that has a great effect, I think.
As for me, because I want to express my own feelings, I write lyrics. To me, this feeling of "I want to let people know my feelings" is the most important thing above anything else.
Feelings expressed with dirty words and a dirty way of speaking, after all, are felt as dirty. If I am going to express my true feelings, I want to do it with beautiful words.
When I went overseas, I thought that I wanted to use the words and language of the country I was in to the best of my ability.
Once, I was learning to speak French, but now I can only remember pick-up lines.
Lately, I've been studying Chinese. Now I can pick up women in Chinese. Four years ago, I had the opportunity to visit Taiwan.
When I would tell French girls something, my interpreter would translate. At that time, I had a feeling that he was warping my words to change the meaning to something that wasn't correct.
Even if the words had the correct meaning, I still couldn't convey the nuances of my speech. Having a "speech fetish," I can't let things like that go.
From then on, I started reading Chinese conversational grammar books.
I've been chiefly reading self-study books. When I don't know the meaning of something, I ask my Chinese of Taiwanese friends, and most every day, I read my Chinese books.
But being able to participate in everyday conversation and being able to express my feelings [lit: play catchball with feelings] are on two entirely different levels. Getting to that level, having a strong vocabulary is definitely still not enough. I had to find a way to memorize about 20,000 words.
To me, who is thinking of expanding into Asia, getting so excited about Chinese [lit: falling into a fever with Chinese] was something spontaneous.
Still, though I am from Asia, in my music, no matter what I say, I will most likely do it in Japanese. Though I love Chinese, above all else, I love the beauty of Japanese.
Also, all of you speak the Japanese that I love so much. I want you to speak it as beautifully as you can. I ask this from my heart.
 
5. SEX to Ai
~ Sex and Love ~
I think that sex is a very important thing. It's a very important matter between a man and a woman that can never be taken away.
In the case of a man, until a mutual relationship is developed, there will be a time when boundaries exist. However, when a man and a woman have a mutual relationship, because those boundaries have decreased [lit: the time is reduced], sex is important. After sex, I think the distance between them decreases.
Though now I'm really confident in myself, I was really horrible when I was a teenager. Because I wanted sex, I was so confused about my desire for it that I wanted to say "someone please stop it!" If I didn't have it daily, it felt like my day was unfulfilled. Nothing satisfied me.
Like Dracula hungering for blood, I had a craving for sex. I almost think now that I could have been called somewhat of a "vampire."
So I also went through that stage in my life.
Now, I sometimes think that at that time, I was really just sucking up the life energy of my partner through sex. I have a hunch that I was really transferring that energy to my own body.
The more you do that, the quicker your vitality will increase. The more your vitality increases, the more you want.
It's a feeling of thirst. I kept thirsting after sex. I couldn't go without it. That was the only thing on my mind. I was seriously worried that in being like that, wasn't I just a monkey?
"Someone, please stop me!" that was really what I felt like.
Though I was craving it, to me, there was just one rule that should not be broken. That rule was "do not buy baked goods." I swore to it on my heart.
I had great feelings of guilt over masturbation. After I did it, I would think "what the hell was I doing?" and then I would get attacked by a huge feeling of shame. I felt that I was worthless.
If I was in a relationship with someone, I would tell myself that I would act in a manner that would build up a mutual relationship with that person. When I wasn't in a relationship, if there was a way I could manage it, I would restrain myself.
So, there was no way I could be by myself. When I was thinking I wanted to buy baked goods, I would go out looking for a partner until I found one. Then I'd talk to myself to persuade myself.
"If you feel like masturbating, get up and go out!" I would say.
When I didn't have a girlfriend, I had my friends. When I didn't have any girls to associate with, I had people I could share feelings with. There were also people I used just for sex.
It was the same for both of us. Both I and my partner would have sex wherever we could till we'd had enough.
At that time, I would have sex all day. Don't you think that's stupid? Even while I was thinking "what am I doing?" I was having sex. It was one of the most challenging things I've faced.
I was not satisfied like that. I was sick; there was something wrong with me.
Though you might be laughing, in those days, I was seriously worried about this.
Now, I think that the spiritual peak of a young person and the physical peak of a young person are both very important.
However, if you slip off that peak, it might become a very bad thing. If young people put a cap on their feelings when they want to do something and restrain themselves, by the time they are older, they will reach that spiritual peak. However, by then, their physical peak is passing. In short, though you think there are things you want to do, it needs to be both a physical and spiritual want. If that happens, then you'll be satisfied [lit: have money]. If this is the case, it won't become like you are doing any strange pretending, right? When your body is weak, the spiritual part will make up for it in pleasure.
I think that people who do cosplay, S&M, image play, prostitution, or compensated dating are most likely people who have slipped off the spiritual peak. I have absolutely no desire to do any of that. I can't understand at all why compensated dating is necessary. [note: if you don't know what this compensated dating is, it's a popular "pasttime" in Japan where a girl, usually high school age, gets together with a man through a dating service and he pays her money for sex. It's basically prostitution under the veil of a dating service]
When I was a teenager, after this physical peak passed, the desire that I had for sex all the time completely disappeared.
Though the act of sex itself doesn't completely satisfy you, it penetrates into the body.
Now I am happy. This is because I don't have those uncontrollable urges anymore. However, this is not because my sexual desire has disappeared.
What's important isn't the deed of sex itself, but whether or not you feel it from the heart. If in your heart you don't have feelings for this person, your body doesn't function.
In the case of a man, even though you can function under those circumstances, are you merely going through the movements? You know in your heart what the best circumstances are. Telling yourself "Somehow I can manage," is completely different from saying "This is the perfect time." When you can say "This is the perfect time," then that is when you and your partner's hearts are perfectly matched.
However, the number of people who can share that feeling is extremely limited. Matching hearts. That, in the end, becomes the basis for sex.
Looks and style and personality are all good things. However, that doesn't mean that sex is right. Any relationship with those people won't last long.
If sex between two people doesn't fit, it's always all right to become just close friends or just casual friends.
Right now, I don't have anyone I can call a "girlfriend."
Of course, there are people that I love.
I often think "I really like this person" or "I love this person." However, these feelings are spur of the moment. It doesn't matter whether the person is a man or a woman.
Take Hyde, for example. When I'm with him, I always think "Wow, this guy is so amazing." That's also love, or feelings very close to love.
That smile is a sin. Since I first met him, I have thought that it would be great if Hyde was a girl. But dammit, he's a man!
If he was a girl, I would probably fall for him. I really go for types like him. No matter what they say, I'll listen.
If he or she said "Come here now," I'd leave work and go. The type of girl that I look for is gentle type like Hyde. If there was a girl like him, I think I would fall for her.
However…
In the end, it's never the girl that's interested in me. However you take it, it's always me who begins the interest.
I wish that there was a girl out there who could feel the same way for me…
The last time that happened was when I was 22 years old. While I was aware of her feelings, I wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time. That was because my work was the basis of my life then, and love hadn't become a pivotal thing for me.
Conversely, I think a person who is in love is very happy. A situation where you can say "I can't see anyone other than you" or "If you're here, then I don't need anything else" is the happiest of all.
But for me, right now, work is most important.
Though love is very important, the time you are able to spend on love in your lifetime is very limited.
The time I spend with the group of people I call my family is much longer than the time I would spend with a girl that I like.
And I think, for now, that's all right.
 
6. Hakketsubyou no Kanojo to no Hiren
~ The Sad Love between Me and a Girl with Leukemia ~
I am a frightening person.
When I was married, that was what I thought.
Whenever I feel that a certain person is important to me, I feel like I can't tell her that I love her.
If I did say that, both she and I would become mere "things."
A feeling that the one I love is a possession. I can't stand that.
From the moment that I think I want to monopolize this person, I believe that she begins to break and change.
To me, is the specific life of a person special or not?
There was a girl who embodied all of this, who was restricted and broken by me. I did it until it was too late. In the messages that she left on my answering machine and in everything that she did, she became really strange.
I was correct in asking about this. However, this particular girl said:
"I can't stop by myself. I know this in my head, but no matter what, I can't stop…"
A desire to monopolize things breaks people. Because of associating with the ones I love, because I break them down, I'm really very frightening.
I was very demanding towards her, she told me clearly.
For example, she would say to me with great emotion, "I just want to be with you for one second longer."
And then I would usually respond, "I can't do that. I've got to work, and then I have a mountain of stuff piling up that I have to take care of. So we can't see each other much."
If someone is praying her hardest to be with someone she loves, that person isn't me. There are things that can only be done by me, and then of course there are also tons of things that I cannot do.
If I wish for things that only I can do, I'll bet my life on them and I'll be given an answer.
However, it's only natural that if I pray hard about the things that I can't do and someone around me can do it and grants my wish, I would want to be with that person.
It's not that I don't understand why I want to monopolize people. I used to really want to do that. The desire was strong that it was almost a disease. Even now, I still have it.
However, because I know that monopolizing people makes them unhappy, I suppress my intentions. I control myself.
If I love someone, even if she loves someone other than me, I still consider her a loved one. I can't help it. If she can love someone more than me, that's all right. As far as she's concerned, she needs that person.
The reason that I say that is not because I want my love for that person to go away. The strong feelings I have for that person were feelings of my own selfishness. If the person didn't return my feelings, I could curb my own feelings. Even though my love might end, we would still be attached to each other.
That is how I love people.
When I enforce my will upon people I love, there are naturally people who don't appreciate that. That is a completely sad love, though…
A long time ago, I had a sad love affair that came and went. It was when I was about twenty years old. The girl I loved was around two years older than me, and we dated for about 4 months…
Suddenly, I was told this.
"Let's start over with a clean slate." [lit: blank sheet of paper] Of course, that's not what she really meant.
When she said that, I became really weird and I couldn't stop myself. You could say that I was weak. I was so weird that it was almost laughable.
She had leukemia. From the first time we met, she told me this. However, we still thought that we could have a relationship without a problem.
If she got sick, no matter what happened, the love I had for her would not change.
We knew that it was a matter of life or death. However, because she was much sicker than I had ever thought she was, she was thinking of me.
I feel that my inability to understand this was the biggest reason we broke up.
More and more often, she was collapsing in front of my eyes. Often, I had no idea what to do.
More pressing was the answer from her: "We could no longer be together. It's not that I hate you. But we can no longer be together…"
She told me these parting words over the phone. I went to see her. No matter what I said, we couldn't come to an agreement. In order for us not to hate each other, we had to break up? Why was that? Is that even a reason? I completely couldn't understand.
However, the only thing she could say was that that was what she had decided. Her personality was like that. She was the kind of person whose decisions you couldn't overturn easily. So I said I understood.
I felt that nothing could be done about it. Then, as if crazed, I got in my car and went recklessly driving.
Though we had just talked earlier, first I did some serious damage to my car, then I vaguely remember smoking a cigarette, and then I got a call from her. "What the hell are you doing?" she said, and then started to cry, and my eyes were opened. From the depths of my heart, I felt utterly ashamed of myself. I was a child who could only think of himself.
Before meeting me, she had had a fiancé. She said that he would always go pick her up in his car. However, one time while on the way to pick her up, he had an accident and was killed. She would always think about this and worry.
Do you know how it feels to have someone you love taken away from you? I don't want you to ever experience that…
She tried with all her might. She told me about her feelings. The basis for her words came from the loss of her fiancé and her resolution to continue battling her illness, and in both of those was the fear that she might die.
However, at the time I was very inexperienced, and I didn't understand her true intentions. Going my own way like that just led to me being reckless in my car.
When she cried for me, I realized that I had hurt her.
"Just what have I done….?"
After that, I never went driving recklessly again. I also never played around with my life again.
She keeps me informed of her condition. Sometimes, she contacts me. A happy occurrence is that her illness has gotten less severe. I think she will keep getting better.
There is much in this world that is gentle on the surface. In this surface gentleness, it's not that we don't hurt our loved ones, but even though we might hurt them, afterwards if they push us forward, being able to realize that it doesn't matter what we think is wonderful.
Even though a long time has passed, finally I am able to understand her thoughts.
Even though there was a misunderstanding, I thought of her and I was able to trust her. Though pushing the one you love forward is a decision that the other person doesn't seek out….That is the essence of gentleness.
I think that is something that she taught me.